1 00:00:02,335 --> 00:00:03,402 encoded by nItRo ====== - Previously on awkward... 2 00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:06,805 - One a day keeps the baby away. 3 00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:08,107 - Oh, yes. 4 00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:09,508 - No one wants to be around me. 5 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:12,511 At school, everyone hates me. 6 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:16,515 - I'm crazy about you. 7 00:00:18,451 --> 00:00:19,852 - There were certain things in my life 8 00:00:19,854 --> 00:00:21,553 I always wanted to keep to myself. 9 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:24,890 For example, my secret for shiny hair, 10 00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:29,895 My ridiculous superstitions... 11 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:33,232 And my birth control pills. 12 00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:36,435 [ominous music] 13 00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:38,570 - [whispering] how did he find them? 14 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:40,539 - I think I left them in the guest bath. 15 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,241 - Don't worry. 16 00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,208 I got this. 17 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,576 [yelling] what are these? 18 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,245 - You know what those are. 19 00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:47,346 - I can explain. 20 00:00:47,348 --> 00:00:49,882 - Ha ha, jenna, I know how birth control works. 21 00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:52,651 Why didn't you tell me you were on the pill? 22 00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,219 - It's a surprise. 23 00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:57,656 Actually, for your birthday... [giggles] 24 00:00:57,658 --> 00:00:59,391 Three months ago. 25 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,060 But we shouldn't be having this conversation 26 00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:02,027 In front of jenna. 27 00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:05,464 - I agree. Gonna take my breakfast on the go. 28 00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:06,565 - Lace? 29 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,768 Why are we still using condoms? 30 00:01:11,671 --> 00:01:14,373 Jenna! 31 00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:16,041 [typing] 32 00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:18,010 [crash] 33 00:01:18,012 --> 00:01:19,178 - In that moment, 34 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,613 My dad went through all five stages of grief 35 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:24,917 For the loss of his only daughter's virginity. 36 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,418 Denial. 37 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,954 Anger. 38 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:31,090 Bargaining. 39 00:01:31,092 --> 00:01:33,892 Depression. 40 00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:36,662 Acceptance. 41 00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:38,597 - [types on keypad] - what are you doing? 42 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:42,034 - Looking up matty's parents' number in the online directory. 43 00:01:42,036 --> 00:01:43,235 - He added one more: 44 00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:44,069 Broadcasting. 45 00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:45,437 Mom, don't let him do this. 46 00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,806 - Kevin...Don't do this. 47 00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,341 - Really? That's the best you can do? 48 00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:51,310 Dad, please think before you act. 49 00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:53,378 - I am thinking before I act. 50 00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:55,614 Because if I were to act before thinking 51 00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:56,748 Matty would be dead. 52 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:57,749 I'm calling. 53 00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,651 They need to know that their son is having sex. 54 00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,320 - I agree with your father. - What? 55 00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:02,855 - Well, it's just good parenting, jenna. 56 00:02:02,857 --> 00:02:04,623 - I don't understand why you guys are making 57 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:05,624 Such a big deal of this. 58 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:08,427 You bought me condoms. You knew what could happen! 59 00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:11,463 - I can see how that is a confusing message to send her. 60 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,999 - The condoms were a preemptive strike 61 00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:16,168 To make sure that you'd be safe 62 00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:18,036 When the time came, 63 00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:20,372 Which I hoped was well into your 20s. 64 00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:21,406 - That makes no sense. 65 00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:23,275 - It doesn't have to make sense to you! 66 00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:24,877 It only has to make sense to me! 67 00:02:24,879 --> 00:02:27,212 I'm your father! - He's right. 68 00:02:27,214 --> 00:02:29,681 Even though it really doesn't make sense to me. 69 00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:32,885 - Dad, please don't do-- mom, help me, help me. 70 00:02:32,887 --> 00:02:34,786 - Kevin... - Hang up, hang up, hang up... 71 00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,321 - Just put down the phone. - Hang up, hang up. 72 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:37,723 Please, I am begging you, hang up the phone! 73 00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:39,725 - Hello, this is kevin hamilton, 74 00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:40,692 Jenna's dad. 75 00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:45,063 I think that you should know our children are having sex. 76 00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:48,534 Call me back if you want to talk about this. 77 00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:52,404 - You left a voice mail? 78 00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:53,805 [overlapping chattering] 79 00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:58,477 - Follow the sound of the clapping noise, monkeys. 80 00:02:58,479 --> 00:02:59,778 Since we had to skip lunch 81 00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,547 To squeeze in this extra practice, 82 00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:02,714 I'll keep my notes short. 83 00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:05,984 Katie, you're hyper-extending your russians. 84 00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,554 No one wants to see your flying "v." 85 00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:11,023 Tobin, yell from your diaphragm. 86 00:03:11,025 --> 00:03:12,457 You know, that place that's located 87 00:03:12,459 --> 00:03:14,993 Directly under your itty-bitties? 88 00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:16,528 And jessica, 89 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,564 You need to skip a few more lunches. 90 00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:22,834 [overlapping chattering] 91 00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:23,802 - Shut the [bleep] up 92 00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:26,305 And let's start with partner stunts! 93 00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,839 Lissa! 94 00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:29,374 - [peppy] ready, okay. 95 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:30,209 [whistle blows] 96 00:03:30,211 --> 00:03:32,044 - What the hell is everyone gossiping about? 97 00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:34,813 Is the the ricky schwartz bull[bleep] again? 98 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:35,847 Like, I murdered him? 99 00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:39,952 'cause if it is, this [bleep] is getting really old. 100 00:03:39,954 --> 00:03:41,386 - Uh, no, no. [laughs] 101 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,722 That's not it. 102 00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,490 One, two. 103 00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:48,527 - Then what the hell is it? 104 00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:49,294 - Nothing. 105 00:03:49,296 --> 00:03:51,330 - You want me to walk into a low branch? 106 00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:55,367 - Everyone's talking about how your parents are broke. 107 00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:56,368 [screams, thud] 108 00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:57,302 - It was an accident. 109 00:03:57,304 --> 00:03:59,271 I left my pills in the guest bath. 110 00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:01,673 - Ooh, that reminds me, I really need to get on the pill. 111 00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,775 - Are you guys having sex? - Not yet. 112 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,577 But soon, and then jake-ara 113 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,212 Will finally have something over jake-enna. 114 00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:08,580 There's just one thing keeping me 115 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,182 From being the first lady of hump city. 116 00:04:10,184 --> 00:04:11,817 I'm waiting for him to say "I love you." 117 00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:13,051 - What are you talking about? 118 00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,786 He says "je t'aime" all the time. 119 00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:15,887 - Not the same thing. 120 00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:17,422 He said "je t'aime" when we were abroad. 121 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:18,557 And he was in a France-trance. 122 00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:20,259 And he only says it now because he already said it, 123 00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:22,261 And it's stronger than an "I like you," 124 00:04:22,263 --> 00:04:23,428 But not quite an "I love you," 125 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,663 Which is as high as you can go love-wise. 126 00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:26,398 - I'm sure he'll say it soon. 127 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:27,499 [shutter clicks] 128 00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:29,034 - My last pre-sex selfie. 129 00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:31,637 - You know it's a myth that you look different after. 130 00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:32,804 - Um, you looked different. 131 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:33,805 - I call shenanigans. 132 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:35,641 I didn't tell you until weeks later. 133 00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,809 - But I knew something changed, and it wasn't your bangs, 134 00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:41,513 Because those have been the same since 1998. 135 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,850 - Well, I hope, when you do have sex, 136 00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:47,686 Your dad doesn't call his dad to announce it. 137 00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:48,720 How am I gonna warn matty? 138 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,055 - Just blurt it out, and then bolt. 139 00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:53,325 That's how I told my mom I broke her vibrator. 140 00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:54,660 I thought it was a neck massager. 141 00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:57,262 Anyway, good luck, gotta run. [laughs] 142 00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:59,264 See, just like that. 143 00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:02,534 [tense music] 144 00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:05,237 ♪ ♪ 145 00:05:05,239 --> 00:05:07,372 - Hey. 146 00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:09,541 - Hey, so my dad called your parents 147 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:11,109 And told them we're having sex. 148 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:11,977 Gotta go, bye. 149 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:15,147 - What? All this extra practice was for nothing. 150 00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:17,182 - It was an accident. - We have to call the alternate. 151 00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,550 No way lissa's going to recover. 152 00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:19,885 She'll be out the whole season. 153 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,154 - We're not calling the alternate. 154 00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:23,522 That is the final word. 155 00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:25,991 - Actually, it's not the final word, 156 00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:27,759 Because I have something to say. 157 00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,028 The p.H.H.S. Cheer bylaws 158 00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:31,863 Do allow for an alternate substitute 159 00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:36,268 In case of injury, failing grades, or polio. 160 00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:37,402 They were written in the '50s. 161 00:05:37,404 --> 00:05:39,738 - Guys, I'm sure I'll be fine. 162 00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:41,073 I just need to get on my feet. 163 00:05:41,075 --> 00:05:43,141 Could somebody help me up? 164 00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:45,043 [indistinct radio chatter] 165 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:45,877 - Listen to me. 166 00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:46,912 Lissa cheered at nationals 167 00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:48,847 The day after a bird flew into her face 168 00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:49,881 On a roller coaster. 169 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,950 We do not need the alternate. 170 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,218 - I'll be fine! 171 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:54,753 [class bell rings] - all right, listen up. 172 00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,355 I want to congratulate all of you 173 00:05:56,357 --> 00:05:57,356 For inspiring me... 174 00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,725 To come up with a whole new grading system. 175 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:02,227 That's right: Letters would not suffice. 176 00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:04,963 I had to use words. 177 00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:07,265 "cancerous." 178 00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,000 "nauseating." 179 00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:11,169 Uh, "debilitating." 180 00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:12,037 Uh, nice one. 181 00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:15,140 "self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head." 182 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:19,745 I know it's more than one word, but it was earned. 183 00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:23,348 Are you my "hopeless"? 184 00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:28,487 [paper rustling] 185 00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:32,491 Let's go. 186 00:06:35,661 --> 00:06:37,729 [slam] 187 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,932 Okay, there you go. 188 00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:43,268 - My essay is... 189 00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,670 "plodden-tory"? 190 00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:47,572 Is that even a word? - I had to create a word. 191 00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,841 To describe your piece of [bleep]. 192 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:53,044 Because "piece of [bleep]" just sounds mean. 193 00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:54,246 Now this one, 194 00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:55,247 This is "illuminating." 195 00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,015 Would you care to regale us with a bit of your essay? 196 00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,984 - [thinking] given my recent private humiliation, 197 00:06:58,986 --> 00:07:01,353 It was nice to have some public recognition. 198 00:07:01,355 --> 00:07:02,921 - Actually, you know what? Do me a favor. 199 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,724 Don't read it. I can't hear it aloud. 200 00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:06,925 It hurts me too much. 201 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,226 - But you said it was illuminating. 202 00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:10,762 - Yes, because it opened my eyes 203 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,431 To how bad your writing can be. 204 00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:15,133 The reason you're a terrible writer 205 00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:18,069 Is because you belong to "generation whatever." 206 00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:19,438 You only know how to express yourself 207 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,274 With abbreviations, misspellings. 208 00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:25,677 You've turned punctuation into picture books. 209 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:26,745 Miss hamilton, 210 00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:30,482 It's time you make me feel something. 211 00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:32,551 You have to dig deeper. 212 00:07:32,553 --> 00:07:35,020 Tell me something that's not easy. 213 00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:40,058 With words, not emoticons. 214 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:43,662 Mr. Jennings, "promising." 215 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,831 - "promising" as in you want me to promise 216 00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,866 Never to put pen to paper again? 217 00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:48,967 - No, "promising" as in 218 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,569 "I wanted to read more about what you had to say." 219 00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,904 And I have to say, not to sound like a creeper, 220 00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,973 But I really felt like I was in that hotel room with you. 221 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,476 When your mother's friend was seducing you... 222 00:07:57,478 --> 00:07:59,845 It was titillating. 223 00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:00,645 - Ugh. 224 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,481 [class bell rings] 225 00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:04,649 - So your dad called my parents 226 00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:05,884 And said we were having sex. 227 00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:08,787 - He's so transparent. - What? Your dad? 228 00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:11,490 - No, this guy in my class, collin. 229 00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:12,724 - My dad, he's gonna kill me. 230 00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:14,226 - I don't understand what the big deal is. 231 00:08:14,228 --> 00:08:15,594 So he slept with an older woman. 232 00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:17,028 - Whose dad are we talking about? 233 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:17,963 - No, still collin. 234 00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:20,131 Mr. Hart liked his paper and not mine. 235 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,500 - What exactly did he say? 236 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:22,901 - He said it was "illuminating." 237 00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:25,036 - You went into detail about our sex to your dad? 238 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,938 - No, I meant my paper. 239 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,206 And, no, I didn't. 240 00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,976 And my dad didn't speak to anyone. 241 00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:33,211 He...Left a message. 242 00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:34,246 - What number did he call? 243 00:08:34,248 --> 00:08:35,580 - The one from the student directory. 244 00:08:35,582 --> 00:08:37,282 - Nice. [claps hands together] 245 00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:38,250 It's a landline. 246 00:08:38,252 --> 00:08:39,885 They never use it, and I can delete it from here. 247 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:42,454 - I was grateful that matty could erase my dad's message 248 00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:44,656 And put the whole thing to bed, 249 00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:45,690 So to speak. 250 00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,359 - Do you know what this is? 251 00:08:47,361 --> 00:08:48,393 Or this? 252 00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:52,230 These are photos of warts and lesions 253 00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:53,131 On a vagina. 254 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,432 - Dad, our food will be here soon. 255 00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:59,037 Can we, um, put away the infected...Genitalia? 256 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,171 - I wish we could. 257 00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:01,239 But you need to be aware 258 00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,508 Of what could happen now that you and matty 259 00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:05,577 Are engaging in sexual intercourse. 260 00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,913 And, you know, the more intercourse that you have... 261 00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:09,347 - Please stop saying "intercourse." 262 00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:12,317 - The higher your chances are to have a vagina 263 00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:13,685 That looks like this. 264 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:15,086 [doorbell rings] 265 00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:18,290 - Dad, got the message. 266 00:09:19,458 --> 00:09:23,895 And apparently, so did matty's parents. 267 00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:28,967 - What do you have to say to mr. And mrs. Hamilton? 268 00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:35,440 - I'm sorry I-I took your daughter's virginity. 269 00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:38,109 - Thank you. 270 00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:39,878 - Jenna? 271 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:40,812 - What? 272 00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,847 - [softly] apologize. 273 00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:45,850 - [softly] for what? 274 00:09:45,852 --> 00:09:49,621 I am sorry for... 275 00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:52,958 Letting him...Take it? 276 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,159 - Okay. 277 00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:57,062 I think that about takes care of that, hmm? 278 00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:59,564 - We appreciate the phone call. [doorbell rings] 279 00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:01,766 - Oh, uh, sorry. Chinese. 280 00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,435 [laughs nervously] 281 00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,303 Hi! 282 00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:07,539 Thank you very much. 283 00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:11,910 [sighs] 284 00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:13,845 - Okay, let's go. - Yes. 285 00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:15,380 - You're welcome to stay for dinner. 286 00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:16,448 - No, we can't. 287 00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:17,248 My mom has... 288 00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:18,550 Salmon thawing at home. - Oh. 289 00:10:18,552 --> 00:10:20,018 - Thank you for the invitation. 290 00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:21,019 We couldn't impose. 291 00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:24,055 - [scoffs] it's not an imposition. 292 00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,391 - I do like chinese. 293 00:10:27,860 --> 00:10:31,463 - Okay. - All right. 294 00:10:31,465 --> 00:10:33,531 - Okay. 295 00:10:34,867 --> 00:10:36,968 - What...Is...Happening? 296 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,637 - This is what's gonna happen. 297 00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:40,138 For the next few games... [overlapping chattering] 298 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,641 We do mostly chants, but not lame ones. 299 00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:45,443 And when we build, we do three turtle tubs 300 00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:46,745 With one dragon roll in front of it. 301 00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:49,547 Can everyone calm the [bleep] down now? 302 00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:52,450 - I should be back by this weekend. 303 00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:55,920 Does anyone have some food? 304 00:10:55,922 --> 00:10:56,755 [whimpers] 305 00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,623 - You know, I'm about lissa's size. 306 00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,525 If you want me to step in... 307 00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,060 - I don't think teachers can be on the squad. 308 00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:04,462 - Cheerleader law is fluid in some areas. 309 00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:07,932 And, yes, faculty can step in in cases of injury, 310 00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:09,901 Pregnancy, or bear fever. 311 00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,236 - I think we should put it to a vote. 312 00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:13,905 All those in favor of an alternate... 313 00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:15,573 - No vote. 314 00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:18,243 I am the captain. 315 00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,378 - You're not going to be able to buy your way 316 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:22,914 Out of this one, sadie. 317 00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:27,185 - All those in favor of calling the alternate? 318 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,920 Opposed? 319 00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:33,958 - I'm raising my hand. 320 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,562 - Come on. How bad can this alternate be? 321 00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:38,396 - [screams] 322 00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:41,199 I'm a cheerleader! 323 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,634 [line rings] 324 00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:43,868 - Hey, it's jenna. 325 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,003 Leave a message. [beep] 326 00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:45,970 - I got the call. 327 00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:48,073 And now you're getting the call-call. 328 00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,475 [screams] 329 00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:51,710 [line rings] 330 00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:52,644 - Hey, babe. 331 00:11:52,646 --> 00:11:54,446 - So I was totally ready to do it with you. 332 00:11:54,448 --> 00:11:55,847 But I was waiting on something. 333 00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:57,949 But that was before I was made a cheerleader. 334 00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,784 And right now, I am too excited to wait. 335 00:11:59,786 --> 00:12:02,087 - What? - I am a cheerleader! 336 00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:04,556 I'm ready. Okay? 337 00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:06,191 - Okay! 338 00:12:12,264 --> 00:12:13,665 - So when y-- 339 00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:16,134 When you got kevin's message, 340 00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,937 I guess it was quite a shock, huh? 341 00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:19,938 - Well, ahem, yes and no. 342 00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:22,040 I mean, I've found things. 343 00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:24,576 And by "things," I mean "condom wrappers." 344 00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:25,977 - Mom. - Well, on the one hand, 345 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,979 You know it's gonna happen eventually. 346 00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:30,381 On the other-- "wrappers"? 347 00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,584 That sounds like a lot of condoms. 348 00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:36,788 Have you had multiple partners? 349 00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:37,455 - Yeah. 350 00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:38,890 - How many partners have you had? 351 00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:40,692 - [thinking] maybe some things were meant to go public. 352 00:12:40,694 --> 00:12:43,728 Yeah, how many? - Ah, a few. 353 00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:47,866 - Two? - Three. 354 00:12:49,401 --> 00:12:51,136 [mouths] 355 00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:52,704 - [sighs, clears throat] 356 00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:56,141 "something private... 357 00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:57,776 Will become public." 358 00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:58,843 Well, that's dead on. 359 00:12:58,845 --> 00:13:00,745 - You know what fortune cookies mean? 360 00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:02,213 Dinner's over. 361 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:03,014 [all muttering] 362 00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:05,450 - [clears throat] - thank you. Yeah. 363 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:06,718 - We sure are glad to meet you. 364 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,219 - Thank you for sharing your dinner. 365 00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:09,621 - We will do it again sometime. 366 00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,656 - Almost over. - Homestretch. 367 00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,591 - And next time we'll have better dinner conversation 368 00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:15,794 Than our kids' sex lives. 369 00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:16,761 [all laugh nervously] 370 00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,296 - Hey, we all want the same thing, 371 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,798 And that is to not be grandparents 372 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,432 For at least ten more years. 373 00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:22,500 [nervous chuckles] 374 00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:25,737 - Don't worry, jenna won't get pregnant. 375 00:13:25,739 --> 00:13:27,172 I put her on the pill. 376 00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:28,173 [laughs] 377 00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:30,642 [door slams] 378 00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,977 - Oh, my god! We're gonna do it! 379 00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:34,679 I've totally been waiting for this moment 380 00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:35,847 For, like, at least a year. 381 00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:38,583 In minutes, I'm not gonna be a virgin anymore. 382 00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:40,552 This blindfold, is this part of it? 383 00:13:40,554 --> 00:13:41,419 Are you kinky? 384 00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,487 Maybe I'm gonna be kinky. 385 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,422 Oh, my god! I'm so excited! 386 00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:48,426 [upbeat rock music] 387 00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,795 ♪ ♪ 388 00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:54,766 [crying] 389 00:13:54,768 --> 00:13:56,234 - Let me get this straight. 390 00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:58,603 So you took your teenage daughter 391 00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:00,371 To get birth control pills? 392 00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,440 - Well...Yes. 393 00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:03,908 - And here I was thinking you were concerned 394 00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:05,543 About our children having sex. 395 00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:08,012 - Matty has condoms. - I didn't buy them. 396 00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:10,114 - No...I did. 397 00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:12,383 - So you put your daughter on the pill, 398 00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:13,651 And you bought my son condoms. 399 00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:16,788 You're encouraging our kids to be promiscuous. 400 00:14:16,790 --> 00:14:17,722 - No, to be safe. 401 00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:20,692 - Nothing good can come from teenagers having sex. 402 00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:21,826 - Actually, I did. 403 00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,595 - They had jenna when they were teenagers, mom. 404 00:14:23,597 --> 00:14:24,395 Let it go. 405 00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:25,797 - Matthew don't speak to me that way. 406 00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:27,398 I'm your mother. - We need to go. 407 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,466 - Our kids are having sex. 408 00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,268 It's not like they're doing drugs. 409 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:31,836 - [softly] matty's brother went to rehab! 410 00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:33,905 - Why would you violate our family's privacy? 411 00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:35,273 - Mom, everyone knows. - Thanks to you, 412 00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:37,809 Because you can't ever keep your mouth shut. 413 00:14:37,811 --> 00:14:38,977 - Hey, matty's a good kid. 414 00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:40,211 Don't take this out on him. 415 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,113 - Who the hell are you to talk to me about my son? 416 00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,681 - I'm just trying to help. - Listen, honey. 417 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,617 I'm glad you're all loosey-goosey 418 00:14:45,619 --> 00:14:47,485 And hippie-dippie in this house, 419 00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,020 But we don't condone risky behavior. 420 00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:50,488 - I am lucky that my daughter came to me 421 00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,357 And said that she was having sex, 422 00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:55,526 That she felt comfortable enough to seek my guidance. 423 00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:57,695 Clearly, your son can't do the same. 424 00:14:57,697 --> 00:15:00,098 - Clearly, we're different kinds of people. 425 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,033 How about you worry about your family, 426 00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:04,569 I'll worry about mine. 427 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:05,870 - And thank you for the chinese. 428 00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:07,205 - Come on. - You're welcome. 429 00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:09,540 - I'm so sorry, mrs. Hamilton. I am-- 430 00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:12,844 - Oh, honey, this is not your fault. 431 00:15:12,846 --> 00:15:14,679 - [sighs] 432 00:15:16,782 --> 00:15:18,383 - And I am not a hippie. 433 00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:21,085 What hippie do you know has fake boobs? 434 00:15:23,989 --> 00:15:25,523 - [sobbing] 435 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:26,891 - Your mom said that I could come in, 436 00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,426 And that it'd be okay to shut the door. 437 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,929 - Go away, and take your sex van with you. 438 00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,297 - I'm not going anywhere. 439 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,565 Just tell me what's wrong. 440 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:37,335 - The blankets, the rose petals, 441 00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:40,638 The freaking moonlight romance. 442 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,040 The air freshener. 443 00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,574 - Oh, I'm sorry. 444 00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:44,542 Is that what you wanted? 445 00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:46,244 I used calypso paradise. - Yeah! 446 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:49,113 And that's the only thing that's different! 447 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,582 - I'm really lost. 448 00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:53,217 - From jenna's experience with you. 449 00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:54,752 I'm always second best. 450 00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,621 I'm the alternate cheerleader 451 00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,323 And the alternate girlfriend. 452 00:15:58,325 --> 00:15:59,657 - What are you talking about? 453 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,092 - Everyone knows that minivan thing 454 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,060 Is what you had planned 455 00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:04,595 When you were gonna have sex with jenna. 456 00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:05,563 It was in her blog! 457 00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,166 - But jenna and I didn't do it. - I know. 458 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:10,835 But you rehashed. 459 00:16:10,837 --> 00:16:15,807 You didn't plan anything special for me. 460 00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:18,009 - Uh, look. 461 00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:18,810 I'm a guy. 462 00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:21,679 And so...I had this whole fantasy 463 00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:23,815 Of my first time. 464 00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:25,950 I just thought it would be so cool. 465 00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:27,819 - Really? A minivan? 466 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:32,323 - Tamara, I want you and only you 467 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:33,257 To be my first. 468 00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:35,460 So whatever you want, that's what we'll do. 469 00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:40,431 - Well, I've always wanted it to be in a hotel. 470 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:41,499 - Oh, yes. 471 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,334 Yes, great! 472 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:45,803 - And then we can be as loud as we want, 473 00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:47,638 And no one will walk in on us, 474 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,941 And we can put soft music on the tv. 475 00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:51,275 - And how about a bottle of champagne 476 00:16:51,277 --> 00:16:52,310 Chilling in an ice bucket? 477 00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:53,711 - Yes, and then we can do that thing 478 00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:55,847 Where we intertwine our arms and drink the champagne. 479 00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:57,048 - And then we go out on the balcony, 480 00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:58,116 And we yell down at people, 481 00:16:58,118 --> 00:16:59,717 Because we're a little bit drunk. 482 00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:01,686 - And we'll wear those big, white, terry cloth robes 483 00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:05,089 When we open the door to our room service strawberries. 484 00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:07,759 - And then I could just pick you up, like this, 485 00:17:07,761 --> 00:17:10,028 [straining] and you're surprisingly light, 486 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,663 Even with the robe on. [laughs nervously] 487 00:17:12,665 --> 00:17:15,466 - And I-- - and you say nothing. 488 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:18,669 Because I shut you up like this. 489 00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:20,671 - ♪ hard to empty 490 00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:22,940 ♪ hard to carry 491 00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:27,245 ♪ up another flight 492 00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:30,581 ♪ all the time it takes... 493 00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:31,449 - Jenna? 494 00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:38,022 - Can we just not talk about anything personal right now? 495 00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:40,458 - I just wanted to tell you 496 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:42,160 That I've been in your shoes. 497 00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,861 When I was your age... 498 00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:44,862 - This sounds personal. 499 00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:48,266 - I had a dinner like that with your dad's parents. 500 00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:51,602 They greeted me at the door with big hugs. 501 00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:54,305 And they were so nice to me. 502 00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:55,807 When we all sat down, 503 00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:59,510 That's when I told them I was pregnant. 504 00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:00,478 - Then what happened? 505 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,447 - They started yelling at me 506 00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,315 And calling me horrible things. 507 00:18:04,317 --> 00:18:08,086 They said that I had ruined kevin's life. 508 00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:09,787 And then I threw up... 509 00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,722 Which just made it worse. 510 00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:13,224 [chuckles] 511 00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,293 I was humiliated. 512 00:18:17,129 --> 00:18:19,831 I am so glad we have the relationship we do. 513 00:18:19,833 --> 00:18:25,002 It's the thing about my life I'm most proud of. 514 00:18:25,004 --> 00:18:27,004 - I'm glad you're you. 515 00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:28,573 - I'm so glad you're you. 516 00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:32,110 - And I'm glad you didn't forget to take your pill! 517 00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:33,411 - [sighs] 518 00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,480 - [laughs] - did you? 519 00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:38,683 [upbeat rock music] 520 00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:40,418 - Can I get you some water? 521 00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:42,720 - No, thanks. I'm okay. 522 00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,722 - Just okay? - No. No, no, no. 523 00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:46,557 I mean, that was-- 524 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:49,427 I'm still vagingling. - [laughs] yeah. 525 00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,295 It was everything they say it is, you know, 526 00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,030 In movies and songs. 527 00:18:53,032 --> 00:18:55,166 - Okay, I call shenanigans. 528 00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:56,567 That was not fun. 529 00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:59,403 Did that totally emasculate you? - Oh, no, no. 530 00:18:59,405 --> 00:19:01,072 That's--that's what I thought too. 531 00:19:01,074 --> 00:19:02,073 It was uncomfortable. 532 00:19:02,075 --> 00:19:03,975 And your mom started coughing. 533 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:05,776 [both laugh] 534 00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:09,013 We can try again, I mean, if you want to, of course. 535 00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:10,014 - Yeah, of course. 536 00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:11,716 - All I need is 18 minutes and a sandwich. 537 00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:14,418 - Ooh, a sandwich. That actually does sound good. 538 00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:15,753 - Yeah. 539 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:17,121 I'm looking forward to figuring out 540 00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:20,491 This whole sex thing with you. 541 00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,560 I love you, tamara. 542 00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:24,295 - I love you too. 543 00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:27,165 - ♪ so hold my hand 544 00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:31,736 ♪ 'cause talking is the source of misunderstanding ♪ 545 00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,237 ♪ hold my hand 546 00:19:33,239 --> 00:19:34,906 - Apparently I don't need that sandwich. 547 00:19:34,908 --> 00:19:37,842 - ♪ 'cause talking is the source of misunderstanding ♪ 548 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,544 ♪ hold my... 549 00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:43,981 [chime] 550 00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:47,485 [rock music] 551 00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:49,387 [cell phone vibrates] 552 00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:51,189 - Congratulations. 553 00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:52,123 Is that a post-sex pic? 554 00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:54,058 - Nope, it's a post "I love you" one. 555 00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:54,959 But we had sex too. 556 00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:56,260 - You had sex too? - Yeah. 557 00:19:56,262 --> 00:19:58,296 But the "I love you" felt much better. 558 00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:00,364 Now I'm gonna go sit on some ice. 559 00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:01,632 I'm sore. 560 00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,334 [click] 561 00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:08,239 - It wasn't easy for me to write about something 562 00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:10,074 That hit a little closer to home. 563 00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:15,146 But I was finally ready to dig deeper. 564 00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:18,916 "my mother's greatest humiliation--me. 565 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,384 By jenna hamilton." 566 00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:24,121 [doorbell rings] 567 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:26,123 - My mom was right about one thing: 568 00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:29,527 You guys are different kinds of people. 569 00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:32,263 And I'm your kind. 570 00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:34,865 Can I crash here for the night? 571 00:20:37,636 --> 00:20:39,003 - Next on awkward: - Morning. 572 00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:40,905 - It's been fun, having matty here and all, 573 00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:42,073 But I need my space back. 574 00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:43,574 - Matty gets the cow, the milk, 575 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:44,942 And to live in the barn for free. 576 00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:46,410 - You haven't worn out your welcome? 577 00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:48,179 - Jenna's cool with it. - I am so not cool with it. 578 00:20:48,181 --> 00:20:49,280 - I'm going to that party. 579 00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,115 Sleepovers are gamechangers! 580 00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:53,284 - Ricky, if you can hear me, set the record straight. 581 00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:57,088 Was your death an accident? 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